There are certain aspirations men my age seem to have in life: find a partner, settle down, maybe start having kids if that’s your thing. That isn’t the life I envision for myself, though. I’m perfectly content to drink large quantities of alcohol, befriend cheeseburgers before eating them, and watch ridiculous movies for fun. That’s all I need from this world. I’m not hard to please. Don’t get me wrong, kids are great (I learned that from watching Jurassic Park), but do you know what’s even greater? Snakes. Everybody strap in! It’s time to open some fucking windows and talk about Snakes on a Plane.
Snakes have been around since the dawn of time, dating back to the book of Genesis if biblical scripture is your cup of holy water. One thing Bible readers and non-readers can most certainly agree on, however, is that snakes are evil ne’er-do-wells in which Samuel L. Jackson is really fucking tired of. Couple those reptilian bastards with a Boeing 747-400 jet airliner and you have the recipe for a goddamn disaster – or, in this case, a glorious film. The Citizen Kane of snake movies, if you will. But what sets Snakes on a Plane apart from films like Anaconda, King Cobra, Copperhead, Boa, Python, and Boa vs. Python? The title alone is a gimmick that works in the films favor, but Snakes on a Plane is more than just a one-trick Viper. Here are five reasons why Snakes on a Plane is the greatest snake film ever made:
1.) Samuel L. Jackson
It’s common knowledge that Samuel L. Jackson heightens every experience. Any film that features him and his frightening “I’m not yelling at you” voice is made better because of it, especially when the script calls for him to be profane. This particular film allows that necessary profanity, and even gives him the greatest line of dialogue ever spoken. Which brings me to my next point.
2.) The Cheesy Dialogue
Besides the aforementioned greatest line in cinema history – “I’m tired of these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane” – there are several cheesy one-liners and jokes that hit (and sometimes don’t), providing much needed comic relief (if the absurdity of the situation wasn’t already funny enough to you). With quotes such as “Who’s your daddy now, bitch?” being yelled at a snake, film-lovers who don’t take things seriously can have fun with the dialogue in Snakes on a Plane. Speaking of fun:
3.) It’s Fun
Okay, maybe that image doesn’t seem fun, but I promise you this asshole deserved it. It’s always fun watching a bad guy get what he deserves, though, and sometimes what he deserves is to be eaten by a goddamn snake. Snakes on a Plane, beyond just the cheesy dialogue, is a nest of fun – delivering top-notch thrills and comedic character moments throughout. Essentially, it’s the perfect popcorn flick.
4.) It’s Actually Intense
Overlooking every single ounce of absurdity (which isn’t a task to be taken lightly), Snakes on a Plane is actually a tense thriller. If you can forgive the film for having a snake bite a man on the penis, having an inexperienced gamer safely land an aircraft, and for inexplicably allowing hundreds of snakes to be placed within said aircraft without anyone noticing, there is actually a decent thriller to be admired here. Unlike the other snake films mentioned, Snakes on a Plane leaves its snakes and characters confined to one single location, adding a certain claustrophobia and scrapping any hope of escape. Even with the absurdity intact, Snakes on a Plane provides edge-of-your-seat entertainment – a feat that should be appreciated by the masses.
5.) There’s a Fucking Song About It
Appealing to the emo kid inside of us all, Cobra Starship crafted the greatest song about snakes on a plane that you will ever hear. With a chorus that’s as unforgettable as the movie itself, “Bring It! (Snakes on a Plane)” will have you singing along and wondering how in the devil’s hell you allowed yourself to like this crap. Theme song, for the win!
There you have it! Five reasons why Snakes on a Plane is the reptile film you deserve. The last ten years have really flown by (that’s not a plane joke, I promise), but I refuse to let this underrated masterpiece get lost along the way. Happy anniversary, Snakes on a Plane! We’re still not tired of you.