You know how it is. You’ve slogged your guts out smashing your way through hundreds of levels, crushing countless enemies and eating so many mushrooms your eyes are literally popping out of your skull, and all that’s left for you to do is battle the end of game boss who will undoubtedly hand you your arse a hundred times before you finally manage to defeat him.
So the moment arrives. The giant doors slowly swing open, and the boss is revealed to you like some kind of terrifying game show prize. You hold your breath. You clutch your weapon (not that one guys) and then … nothing. The boss is a complete flake. You defeat him in seconds, not even losing a life. You stare at each other awkwardly. He leaves the room in shame. You win.
Sadly, not all video game villains are hard to beat. Some are frankly terrible. Far be it for us here at Horror Geek Life to point fingers, but we feel it’s time to name and shame some of the world’s very worst video game villains.
There are many but here’s 5 of the worst offenders.
King K. Rool (Donkey Kong Country, 1994)
Some video game villains plan to take over the world. Some video game villains plan to kidnap princesses. Some video game villains just want bananas. All the bananas.
That’s a pretty good plan if you’re an ape. Steal the bananas and have them all for yourself while the Kong tribe all die a slow and painful death from starvation. However, King K. Rool, maniacal overlord of the Kremling race, is not an ape. He’s a lizard. What could a lizard possibly do with so many bananas?
Someone should probably just have explained the concept of internet food shopping to the king. That would have saved him a lot of time, and prevented him from having angry monkey’s throw barrels at him on a daily basis.
You live and learn I suppose.
Doctor Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog, 1991)
Red heads – or gingers as they are called on the streets – have a bad rep. Although I don’t believe this can be exclusively blamed on Dr Ivo Robotnik, his continual attempts to capture, kill and synthetically replicate the animal kingdom probably hasn’t helped.
As a world renowned hater of all things cute and fluffy, it would seem odd that the man known as Eggman’s arch nemesis would be of the spiky variety, the speedy blue son of a bitch known simply as Sonic.
Try as he might Robotnik just couldn’t finish of his foe and no amount of flying around in his robotic death machine could get the job done. Surely if the Doctor had been as clever as he wanted everyone to think, he would have realised that the easiest way to kill a hedgehog, is to make it cross a busy road at night.
Bob the Killer Goldfish (Earthworm Jim, 1993)
Sometimes it doesn’t matter how good your plan is or how evil you might be, sometimes you’re just a fish.
Mondu (Tongue of the Fatman, 1989)
Looking like the sexy offspring of Jabba the Hutt and Zangief, Mondu harnesses the mighty power of his man boobs to run roughshod over his enemies.
People actually paid good money to see this guy slapping the shit out of his moobs before splitting open his belly and violating those who opposed him with a giant, phallic tongue. This might sound like a typical Saturday night for some of you, but for the rest of us this was just plain bizarre.
Bowser/King Koopa (Super Mario Bros, 1985)
He may be a total gaming legend but Bowser is actually a pretty poor video game villain. Sure he looks the part, all scowls and spikes. But when it comes down to it he is hideously miscast in his role as the villain of the piece.
The route of all Bowser’s problems stems from his repeated attempts to kidnap Princess Peach. Doesn’t he realise if he changed his plot he might actually have some success? What’s his obsession with her anyway? My advice is for Bowser to download the Tinder app and put himself out there. At least that might help take his mind off nailing Mario’s girlfriend, and allow him time to come up with a new plan that isn’t shit.