Michael Myers is a master of his craft. Each Halloween, he seems overly prepared to massacre members of his family and any sexed-up teenagers who dare to engage physically while he’s in town. Myers’ name is synonymous with the holiday, and that’s a testament to how hard-working and purely evil he is. Have you ever wondered, though, what Michael Myers is up to during the 364 days before Halloween? Sure, he’s been in a couple of really long comas throughout his life, but Myers is far too determined to allow that to hinder his daily routine. According to a source close to the Haddonfield Hacker, here are five ways Michael Myers passes time leading up to Halloween.
5. Poker Night with the fellas
As nerve-wracking as it is to terrorize a community on Halloween, it’s important for Michael Myers to cut loose and have a little fun throughout the year. According to our source, Myers dedicates two Saturdays each month to Poker Night. He, Jason Voorhees, and Freddy Krueger started this tradition, but after Freddy and Jason had their beef back in 2003, Myers told Freddy to “go fish” and replaced him with Troy, a server at a local Denny‘s who slipped him extra bacon, free of charge. Way to play your cards right, Troy.
4. Taking his hog out on the open road
Believe it or not, our source confirms that Michael Myers enjoys the little things in life: the laughter of children; the taste of a cheeseburger; the wind in the hair of his mask as he tours the country on his motorcycle. We’ve learned that every two years, Michael takes his bike across the country and spends his summer travelling from town to town. We can only imagine the interesting encounters he’s had at hole-in-the-wall biker bars.
3. Making that Starbucks money
That’s right, according to our source, even Michael Myers is a fan of Starbucks! In a rare interview, Myers had this to say about his work with the popular coffee shop:
“Being evil is great. It’s fun, really. But that shit doesn’t pay the bills. It doesn’t buy these masks or the knives I need to fulfill my purpose in life. If I could just be evil all year long, I would. Trust me, I would. But that’s not a possibility, so here I am at Starbucks. It’s not bad. The pay isn’t ideal, but I make it work. I love the smell.”
One can only assume that he takes a leave-of-absence during Pumpkin Spice Latte season.
2. Waiting in long lines like everyone else
Michael Myers’ reason for waiting in line is vastly different than yours. Our source tells us that Myers hates waiting in line just like everyone else, but that he does it to build inner frustration for Halloween so that he’s at peak aggression with his victims. He doesn’t even buy anything, people! Now that’s dedication.
1. Dancing his goddamn ass off
Everyone needs a hobby, including purely evil entities such as Michael Myers. In the rare footage above, we see Myers at the height of his dancing powers, busting a move unlike anything we’ve ever seen before. Our source has informed us that the entire world is Michael’s dance floor and that he treats it as such quite often. I guess we should start calling him the boogie-man.
There you have it! A special look inside the secret, somewhat normal life of Michael Myers! Though he seems friendly enough, we advise you to stay far away from him on Halloween night. Hell, make it the entire month of October just to be safe.