Let’s be honest, wrestlers are not actors. Yes they have to have a degree of presence in front of a camera or on a microphone, but the long and short of it is they are athletes who put their bodies through immense torture for our entertainment. This does not qualify them to play the next great action hero, or comedic tough guy. But God love them, those Gods of WrestleMania still keep on trying.
With the odd exception – Dwayne Johnson, Dave Bautista, George Steele – wrestlers have tried and failed to make it big in Hollywood. The failures of those that came before them seemingly no deterrent for the next guy to think he’s going to be the next big thing in Hollywierd.
Picking the very worst performances is no easy task, but we think we’ve managed to compile a pretty accurate list. So, put down that steel chair and grab your laptop in a wrist lock, as we bravely present 10 Horrible Movie Performances By Wrestlers.
10. Andre the Giant as Dagoth (Conan the Destroyer, 1984)
It might surprise you to know that Andre the Giant appeared in this 1984 follow up to the Schwarzenegger hit Conan the Barbarian. Especially as you never see him on screen. Well, technically you don’t.
Andre was actually cast as the terrifying Dagoth, a giant, mutant monster who kidnaps a princess and battles the Austrian Oak for a few minutes. Andre’s Dagoth dwarfed the beefy Schwarzenegger, but his outfit was just ridiculous and was the kind of garbage gimmick you’d see a monster heel adopt as part of his persona in the wacky world of 1980’s wrestling.
9. Bill Goldberg as Santa (Santa’s Slay, 2005)
Speaking of horrible movie performances by wrestlers… What if Santa was actually a demon who only gave kids presents each year because he’d lost a bet? What if the bet was now void? What if Santa was played by Bill Goldberg? What if anyone gave a crap?
8. Robert Swenson as Bane (Batman and Robin, 1997)
In a film as bad as Batman and Robin, it takes a special kind of someone to stand out as the worst thing in it. But that’s exactly what Robert Swenson did, so kudos to him. Being the worst part of a horrible movie is one hell of an achievement, which more than earns Swenson a spot on our list of horrible movie performances by wrestlers.
7. Kevin Nash as Tarzan (Magic Mike, 2012)
As former World Heavyweight Champion and a core member of hip, cool, heel trio the NWO, Kevin Nash has no place appearing in a movie about strippers. None at all.
Thankfully ‘Big Sexy’, as he’s known in the wrestling world, doesn’t take his clothes off, but he does have a little dance, which is horrible and out of time and makes him look like a giant dickhead. He’s also called Tarzan, which is still a better gimmick than the time he wrestled as Vinnie Vegas.
6. The Great Khali as Turley (The Longest Yard, 2005)
The Great Khali cannot pretend to be a silent monster in the world of professional wrestling, so why anyone thought it would be a good idea to cast him in any role in any movie is beyond me. You only need to see his Punjabi Playboy skits on WWE television to realise, this giant of a man also can’t do comedy.
5. Hulk Hogan as Dave Dragon (3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, 1998)
I never cared for the 3 Ninjas franchise. So I was in no rush to pick a copy of the 4th installment up at my local video store when it came out in 1998. In fact, the only selling point for 15 year old me at the time was that it starred Hulk Hogan, who was the hottest thing in wrestling again since hooking up with the NWO.
In High Noon at Mega Mountain, Hogan plays a practically mute ex-wrestler, who joins up with the titular heroes to battle an army of evil ninjas, in some of the most over rehearsed choreographed fights known to man.
Hogan – who has hair – is as stiff as they come and you’ll be left hoping he drops the big leg on you quickly so that you can dream away the rest of the movie in unconscious bliss. At least this would be the last time Hogan would pop up on our list of horrible movie performances by wrestlers.
4. Hulk Hogan as Sean Armstrong (Mr Nanny, 1993)
At least this was marginally better than the “home movie” he released a while back.
3. The Big Show as Walter Krunk (Knucklehead, 2010)
If the image of Paul Wight in a nappy isn’t enough of a reason to boycott this movie, then Wight’s cringe-worthy, over the top performance will have you piledriving your DVD into submission before it’s through.
Wight, aka The Big Show, stars as Walter Krunk, a 35 year old orphan man-child, who joins the violent world of MMA to raise money to save the orphanage he grew up upon learning that the orphanage he grew up in is in danger of closure.
The plot of Knucklehead is pretty much the same as The Blues Brothers but sans any charm. In fact, it’s The Blues Brothers on steroids, but at that stage where all the ‘roids make your nads shrivel into raisins.
2. Hulk Hogan as Blake Thorn (Santa With Muscles, 1996)
We should really consider renaming this list “A look back at the horrible career of Hulk Hogan”. But it’s not our fault. Hulk genuinely made some of the world’s worst movies during his time as a cultural icon in the 1980’s and 1990’s.
If Hogan had called it quits after Rocky III or even Suburban Commando then he’d have avoided being listed no less than 3 times on this list of horrible movie performances by wrestlers. However, his own greed led him to accept terrible role after terrible role, which, when combined with his inability to act, created box office turds as putrid as Santa With Muscles.
1. Triple H as Jarko Grimwood (Blade: Trinity, 2004)
Remember the scene in South Park where Mr Garrison vomits whenever he thinks about Contact? That’s exactly how I feel whenever I think about Triple H in Blade: Trinity.
I’m puking right now.
All over the keyboard.
Oh man, there’s some on the screen.
You son of a bitch Triple H. You son of a bitch.