Disclaimer: The following post contains major spoilers for Spiders 3D, a film you haven’t seen and probably never will.
Two hours ago on this lazy Sunday, I found myself searching obscure horror titles on Netflix for something to watch. With the help of a friend who is apparently quite dedicated to forcing me to watch shitty films, the movie that I ultimately chose was Spiders 3D (which was billed only as Spiders in my Netflix queue). One does not simply watch a film about giant mutant spiders terrorizing New York City, however, without compiling a list of thoughts. So, without further ado, here are 40 thoughts I had while watching Spiders 3D!
1.) Whoa, but Netflix just has the title listed as Spiders and I just found out via the opening credits that this shit is actually Spiders 3D. What a glorious surprise.
2.) Dude, this spacecraft is filled with spiders. And I was looking for a reason not to get in buff-ass shape and try to be an astronaut.
3.) There’s a lot of cosmic shit happening right now. I honestly wasn’t expecting the first 3 minutes of Spiders 3D to be set in space. Get Neil deGrasse Tyson on the goddamn phone.
4.) Dark clouds over New York City? Because foreshadowing.
5.) This movie spends 3 minutes in space and less than 60 seconds on Earth before bad shit starts happening. I could have gone for a more equal ratio of time, but still, I admire the “Let’s jump right into this shit” mentality.
6.) Poor chap Jimmy mentions that he served three tours in Iraq and is subsequently killed due to a spider bite. Is this an anti-war movie?
7.) A spider just killed a subway rat and for the first time in my life, I was #TeamRat.
8.) I don’t care about this goddamn Chinese restaurant family drama. Give me spiders or give me death.
9.) Turns out… the spiders laid eggs in Jimmy. My dad’s name is Jimmy and he laid an egg with my mom. The circle of life.
10.) Rocky father/daughter relationships. Divorce. Dead Jimmys. Space. Spiders 3D is giving me a lot more than I bargained for.
11.) I guarantee you that the divorced couple reunites at the end of the film and all will be swell between the father and daughter.
12.) Ohhhh shit, the spiders have laid eggs in the homeless subway people.
13.) Let me rephrase that. If they live in the subway, then the subway is their home, which makes them just “subway people”.
14.) If you’ve ever wanted to watch a subway construction worker get straight up ambushed by hundreds of obviously fucking CG arachnids, Spiders 3D is right up your demented alley.
15.) “We call this a primo shitstorm.”
16.) People just get over the deaths of their friends hella quick in this movie.
17.) So… the military plans to harness the power of the mutant spiders to build weapons. What the fuck? Let’s weaponize Velociraptors too while we’re at it, eh? Fucking movies, man.
18.) “Give me Dr. Smirnoff or whatever his name is on the line.” That settles it, everyone was drunk as shit throughout the production of Spiders 3D.
19.) “So that’s what this is about. Huge… spiders.” Would have never guessed.
20.) None of what the spider science they’re dropping in this movie makes any sense but I don’t know enough about spiders or science to dispute it.
21.) I was all pumped for this, but the spider action is few and far between. A more appropriate title would be Poor Acting 3D: With Less Spiders Than You Anticipated and Also Terrible CGI.
22.) Wait. Just wait a second. Ex-wife saves your life while you’re being chased by a giant spider. “Thanks babe,” you say to her. She replies, “You haven’t called me ‘babe’ in months.” Seriously? Is NOW, while you’re in a fight for your life and trying to save your daughter, the time for this relationship bullshit?
23.) Do normal spiders growl, or is that just mutant spiders?
24.) Using a forklift as a getaway vehicle is legitimate goddamn hilarious.
25.) Bro, a forklift killed a spider instantly just half a second ago but now spiders are suddenly entirely unfazed when eating dozens of bullets from machine guns? I call bullshit, Spiders 3D.
26.) A soldier in Spiders 3D says that something is “fucked up” but the movie edits out the swear word in favor of silence. WHAT?
27.) How are spiders smart enough to know to spray web over every camera placed within the facility? Again, I call bullshit.
28.) This is like Eight Legged Freaks if Eight Legged Freaks wasn’t funny, had no talented actors, and was just really bad tbh.
29.) I think the CG has gotten worse and worse as the movie has gone along. Only outer space and the spiders looked fake at the start of the movie, but now literally everything other than the people look fake as shit.
30.) The ex-wife just spent two minutes crying about the possibility of her daughter being dead, only to repeatedly say “I knew it” when it’s revealed that she’s still alive. You were really confident about know it, weren’t you?
31.) The third act really turns into Cloverfield with a big-ass spider, and I’m honestly not gonna complain about that.
32.) Except that it’s all hilariously fake looking, of course.
33.) And that the acting is still bad.
34.) I forgot Bracketology was on ESPN right now. Were the Tar Heels a #1 seed?
35.) There are like a million huge spiders loose in the city and everyone’s all optimistic about making it through. I’d be ready to fucking die. Just take me now and get it over with. Curt ain’t running.
36.) Cool guys don’t look at (fake) explosions. They blow shit up and they walk away.
37.) Remember what I said about the fate of the three leads? Spoiler alert, I was right.
38.) Well, that’s over. I’ll never get that hour and a half back, but at least I learned a valuable lesson.
39.) Wait, no the fuck I didn’t.
40.) If you couldn’t tell, I highly recommend this film.
There you have it! 40 thoughts I had while watching the modern masterpiece Spiders 3D. Lazy Sunday, achieved. Have you actually seen this movie? What’s the worst spider film you’ve ever seen? Hit us up in the comments!