This weekend sees the release of yet another Pirates of the Caribbean movie, ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’. Without question, and despite a terrible slurry of lackluster films that preceded it, millions of us will be heading to our local cinemas to join the queues and purchase a ticket. And why not? Captain Jack Sparrow is bound to be hilarious, there’s probably a scene with an evil monkey in there (as well as a Beatle), a few ghosts and ghouls, and more Rum than you can shake a coconut at. It’s exactly what you’d expect from Disney’s glorious cash cow.
But what really rattles this old landlubber’s bones, is that while everyone is busy throwing their underwear at Johnny Depp’s crusty old pirate, there’s another old Disney sea dog who continues to go unnoticed. No, I’m not talking about Captain Hook, or Bluebeard. I’m talking about none other than Ron Rico – That’s Captain Ron to you!
With his rock star swagger, and long, bedraggled locks, Captain Ron – played by the mighty Kurt Russell (who I’m sure could swashbuckle the very life out of Johnny Depp) – paraded across the screen oozing charisma, like some manly musk. There was no need for eye liner or stupid faux English accents here. All it took was Ron’s grimy white vest, and questionable eye patch to have women falling at his feet, begging to come aboard his mighty vessel.
If you can draw your eyes away from the Captain for a moment, you’ll also notice that the remainder of the cast is made up of some of Hollywood’s biggest names. Who needs Paul McCartney when you can have Martin Short or Mary Kay Place? Shoot, there hasn’t been as stellar a gathering of Hollywood icons like this since the Bing Crosby Christmas special, where he sang “Little Drummer Boy” with David Bowie.
What’s that you say? The Curse of the Black Pearl made more on it’s opening day than Captain Ron ever did? Pah! Don’t be fooled by the lack of cash Captain Ron made at the box office dear readers. What the film lacked in blockbuster panache, it made up for with … car chases. That’s right folks. This pirate of the Caribbean drove a car. Twice. When’s the last time you saw Jack Sparrow do that?
I’ll leave you with that image, in the hopes that while you hand over you hard earned cash to the multiplexes, and line the pockets of Hollywood, you take a moment to think about all the fun you could have been having at home, with a $3 copy of Captain Ron on VHS instead.