Trick ‘r treating, though a celebrated event for children and horror-loving adults, does not come without its injustices: Injustices such as a blatant discrimination against tall kids. I’m pushing 6’8″, and my height was likewise prominent in my youth. This detail in which I have no control over forced me into early trick ‘r treating retirement, as purely evil elderly folks were convinced that I was an untrustworthy whippersnapper who was lying about his age to score some sweets. The greatest injustice, however, is when those same insidious wrinkle-folk dish out unforgivably terrible candies to unsuspecting children on their night of joy. This is something that has tainted the Halloween nights of not only myself, but of you, your family, and your ancestors as well. We aren’t going to stand for it any longer.
The following candies are detrimental to the happiness of your children, and they must absolutely be stopped.
Why the hell are these even a thing still? Necco Wafers have been around since 1847. 1847! That makes this year the 170th anniversary of this unholy concoction. Did people actually enjoy these in 1847? Were our ancestors really that desperate for candy that they stooped to this level? Eating a single Necco Wafer is akin to biting into 13 pieces of sidewalk chalk. Would you feed chalk to your children? I didn’t think so. Don’t let other people do it either.
Jewelry is not candy, and candy is not jewelry. Let’s say you were proposing or being proposed to. I know the “love means more than money and diamonds” yadda-yadda, but if the engagement ring is made out of candy, your honeymoon is likely over before it even begins- especially if the candy tastes like shit. Such is the case with these terrible candy necklaces and bracelets. The candy is so hard that it makes your teeth hurt, which isn’t worth the god-awful flavor of the candy in the first place. If you want your kids to end up with a fucking string in their mouth, let ’em stay home and chew on couch pillows. It probably tastes better anyway.
3Unexplained Taffy Candies
WHAT THE HELL EVEN ARE THESE? If you’ve ever once seen these things in a store, please, by all means, inform me of the location. I’ve never seen these goddamn things for sale in my life, and I don’t think children should be eating something that may have been conjured up in the kitchen of a soul-sucking ghoul.
Are Dum Dums terrible? No. But no amount of “halfway decent” flavor can mask the fact that these suckers are bank food. They’re perfectly acceptable as a reward for kids who accompany their parents to cash a mediocre work check, likely hearing advanced swear words and insults about their place of business along the way. However, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to force these tiny lollipops upon children on Halloween night. You KNOW that those big bags of suckers are only a dollar and that there might be two good flavors in the whole bunch. Your kids deserve better than mystery flavors.
In life, you’re never truly considered “old” until you accept the fact that Werther’s are pretty fucking tasty. They’re a coming-of-age candy that separates youthful wonder and overwhelmingly depressing adulthood. I’m 26 now, and as a sad man with thinning hair, I can finally appreciate these treats. There was a time, however, that I had a goddamn glorious mane of shoulder-length locks, and there’s no chance in hell that I’d have been excited to find these in my candy bucket. Don’t make your kids grow up before they have to. Keep this candy away from ’em.