What at one time might have seemed like an impossibility, will finally come to be this spring when Sony’s Masters of the Universe (MOTU) reboot finally rolls into production.

The last time we saw He-Man and his underpants-wearing friends on the big screen, Dolph Lundgren was hamming it up in one of the least faithful adaptations of a popular franchise ever made. Nostalgia hasn’t helped eradicate the feelings of betrayal we all had back in 1987, when Mattel agreed to hand the untested Gary Goddard the reigns to the greatest kids toy line of all time, only for him to seemingly wipe his ass with everything we loved. With that in mind, it’s easy to see why we’d be a little trepidatious at the thoughts of a modern-era reboot, right?

Here at Horror Geek Life though, we think we’ve come up with the 10 things the filmmakers need to include to make sure the new MOTU doesn’t suck. So provided David S. Goyer sticks to our fail-safe blueprint for success, we’re confident the He-Man cinematic universe is in good hands.

FILMATION IS CANON

You will not find a single He-Man/MOTU fan out there that denies the original Filmation series is canon, and must not be ignored. It should be used as a blueprint for people and places and needs to appeal to the original fans of the animated show and toy line. David S. Goyer’s Masters of the Universe must avoid the thought that he needs to make a film for a younger generation. The original fans are here – and we’ve been for 30 plus years – so make us the target audience.

LET’S GET SERIOUS DAVE

While it is essential to stick to canon, there’s still room for a little artistic license, and no requirement to follow it to the letter – especially when it comes to the tongue-in-cheek humor. The 2002 Mike Young Productions reboot and the more recent comic books have treated the material much more seriously, and the darker tones have been welcomed by the hardcore and casual fans alike. That’s not to say some Marvel-style comic relief wouldn’t be welcomed – after all, this is a family flick – we just don’t need this to become a parody of itself.

ETERNIA OR BUST

When the new Masters of the Universe finally lands in 2019, it is essential to keep the action solely on He-Man’s homeworld. No one wants to see another MOTU movie set on planet Earth. Eternia is sexy and new. Earth is boring and familiar. Eternia has infinite possibilities and new locations to discover. Earth doesn’t. Eternia is a blank canvas for the filmmakers to create a whole new universe of their own, and please make it one without a Gwildor.

I AM ADAM. PRINCE OF ETERNIA …

Dolph Lundgren spent the entire 1987 Masters of the Universe movie as He-Man, running around in his favorite, furry barbarian underpants, without a hint of his alter ego, Prince Adam. Adam is as essential to the MOTU story as his bare-chested counterpart, and must not be ignored. Whether the director wants to go down the Clark Kent/Superman route of having Adam and He-Man be almost identical until Adam takes his kit off, or have him weak and unimposing as Adam and then God-like when he becomes the otherworldly beefcake is a decision beyond our pay grade, but as long as the son of Randor is included we’re not going to complain.

… AND DEFENDER OF THE SECRETS OF CASTLE GREYSKULL

Castle Greyskull appeared in the original 1987 Masters of the Universe movie, but it just didn’t feel like the Greyskull we knew from the animated show or the big bulky plastic toy we used to play with at the weekends. It was a weird amalgamation of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude and a discotheque and was filled to bursting with laser wielding Stormtrooper rip-offs, who had been hired by Skeletor. In the new movie, we want the Greyskull of old. We want the imposing castle with the skull facade, and we want He-Man as its defender. If Skeletor wants somewhere to hang out then damn it, he can have Snake Mountain!

CRINGER BECAME THE MIGHTY BATTLE CAT.

Just like Prince Adam, Battle Cat is an essential character in the MOTU-universe, who was forgotten by the writers of the 1987 movie. Bring him back. Why should He-Man walk anywhere in the movie when he can simply ride that giant, green pussy instead?

SKELETOR’S BACKSTORY

The typical origin story for He-Man’s nemesis Skeletor has always involved him being banished to Eternia from his home dimension. However, it has often been hinted at that he is actually Keldor, the half-brother of He-Man’s father King Randor, and was hideously disfigured by acid during an attempted coup. Keldor was all but dead until he stumbled upon Hordak, a ruthless tyrant, who saved his life and turned him into the man…er, skeleton man…that we all know and love. This would make for some interesting backstory, even if it’s tweaked a little, and would give some much-needed dimension to the Skeletor character while also giving the writers a chance to bring in additional characters like the aforementioned Hordak and his Evil Horde Empire.

YOU BUMBLING BOOBS

We’re sorry if the banner for this entry got you all hot under the collar, but sadly you’re not going to find any requests for mud wrestling matches between Teela and Evil-Lyn here. The boobs we’re referring to are Skeletor’s merry band of half-wit henchmen. Whether it’s Beast Man, Trap Jaw, Stinkor, or Modulok, Skeletor (and Hordak) are really shit at hiring capable followers and thus they can never be taken seriously. Some of the characters are ridiculous enough on their own, and probably won’t work in a movie, but the others should be legit badasses who are beaten by force, not by simple conundrums. Basically, if He-Man’s adversaries are depicted as fools then the new movie will fall flat on its face at the first hurdle.

THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY

If the filmmakers can steer clear of turning the new Masters of the Universe into a romantic opus, then that would be great. We want action and adventure, but not so much focus on the will-they-wont-they nature of He-Man and Teela’s relationship. Occasional hints are okay we guess, but it can’t be the focus of the story. Also, there’s absolutely no need to make audiences think that He-Man and She-Ra (assuming she appears at some stage) are ever going to get it on. This isn’t Star Wars for crap’s sake!

THE TOYS THAT MADE US

The new Masters of the Universe should absolutely be the catalyst for a revival in the toy line. Sure, there’s been merchandise on and off since the first run of action figures, but we want a full new range of toys, including the Power Sword. Afterall, it was the toys that brought us here in the first place!

So there you have it. We’re sure news will soon start dropping about the production, so we shall soon see if the filmmakers take our advice. For now, though, take to the message boards and have your voice heard if you love all things He-Man and MOTU. If we’re loud enough as a fanbase they have to listen. Don’t forget, they need our money to make this a success, so just keep repeating to yourself “I HAVE THE POWER,” and we might just get the Masters of the Universe we’ve been crying out for. And if not, we hear Dolph Lundgren has an opening in his schedule. Does anyone have his number?


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