Twelve weeks ago, my beautiful other half and I became parents for the first time. It was a moment that was both exhilarating and terrifying in equal measure as we welcomed our daughter into this crazy, crazy world. Like many new parents before us, we were completely unprepared for much of what has come from that day, so it’s lucky that we’ve had such supportive family members close to hand to reassure us that there really should be that much poop, that much screaming and that sometimes it’s OK to think about sneaking out at night and sailing away to a desert island.
When those same family members weren’t available though, we had no choice but to turn to our mobile phones for solace, and the many wonders of Google. At first, the self-help guides were a welcome paragon of knowledge in this uncharted territory. But eventually, when reading the same old shit time and time again just doesn’t cut it anymore, we started to look deeper into the depths of the internet for help – and that is where I discovered The Sims and its many hilarious glitches.
So join me, fellow parents or parents-to-be, as I open your eyes to a whole world of flawless parenting tips you never knew you needed. Prepare to have your minds blown.
TIP #1: QUESTION EVERYTHING
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM?
TIP #2: FEEDING TIME IS EASY
UNLESS YOUR CHILD IS A DEMON
TIP #3: EAT WHEN BABY EATS
BUT DON’T EAT BABY
TIP #4: BATH TIME CAN BE FUN
AS LONG AS THE BATH ISN’T A DISHWASHER
TIP #5: GET THEM USED TO WATER
AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, INTRODUCE THEM TO THE PET FISH
TIP #6: IT’S OK TO HAVE FAVOURITES
ESPECIALLY WHEN ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN IS THE ATARI E.T.
TIP #7: SOME BABY’S CRY
BUT SOME ARE JUST GOTHS
TIP #8: ROAD SAFETY
THE SAFEST WAY TO CROSS A ROAD IS TO LAUNCH THEM FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER.
TIP #9: ALWAYS MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF
EVEN IF YOUR BABY IS AN ATTENTION SEEKER
TIP #10: PARENTING IS A LIFETIME COMMITMENT
BUT AT LEAST YOU’LL DIE … EVENTUALLY