Let me be frank at the commencement. I am not a keyboard warrior. I do not feel, nor have I ever felt the need, to sit at my desk and bring down a movie, TV show or franchise simply because I can, or because I can hide behind the anonymity of the internet.

Something else you should know about me is that when it comes to remakes, re-imagining’s or a redux I am forever optimistic. I’m please to say that for the most part this open minded approach has been highly rewarded, but on occasion I’ve had to sit through something like Batman & Robin which truth be told has made me question my life choices.

Why is any of this important? Well, I feel you need to know these things about me before I open up to you all about the reasons why I believe the upcoming Suicide Squad adaptation is going to suck balls.

Save your nerd fury for the comments section.

5. The Joker

Suicide Squad Joker Jared Leto

Let’s get the obvious one out of the way straight off the bat. The inclusion of The Joker has nothing to do with the casting, Hell, Jared Leto was great in My So Called Life even if it was 21 years ago. I can also live with the horrible decision to cover him in crappy tattoos, even if it does potentially fuck up any future hopes of continuity when he is inevitably recast. No, my decision to include the Clown Prince of Crime in this list, is the very fact that the filmmakers chose to include him at all.

In my opinion it feels like he’s going to be used as nothing more than a glorified extended cameo, like when a TV show is failing and they bring back a former star to pop a rating. From what I’ve read – HERE THERE BE SPOILERS – Joker will act as some kind of bargaining chip to keep Harley in check when she’s recruited for the team. He’ll spend most of the film in a cell at Belle Reve before eventually breaking free of his shackles in the final act, because presumably the actual Suicide Squad team members can’t carry a blockbuster movie without him.

4. Harley Quinn

Suicide Squad Harley Quinn

When the inclusion of Harley Quinn was announced I was over the moon. I’d wanted her to appear in a Bat flick ever since she was teased back in the late 1990’s simply because she is the greatest female villain in the entire DC Universe (I’ve said it now so it must be true).

Unlike the previous entry though, the biggest problem I have with Joker’s main squeeze has everything to do with the casting choice. Don’t get me wrong I like Margot Robbie, it’s just that in my eyes she looks like someone cosplaying the character. Maybe it’s because she isn’t wearing the iconic jump suit, or maybe it’s because she doesn’t have Arleen Sorkin’s iconic voice. Whatever it is there’s just something missing from her performance, what little we’ve seen so far.

3. Will Smith

Suicide Squad Deadshot Will Smith

Why is the Fresh Prince of Bel Air in a DC movie in 2016? Casting Will Smith as Deadshot reeks of the pre comic book movie renaissance era where big name Hollywood actors were cast as superheroes on name value alone. It’s George Clooney as Batman all over again.

Perhaps he’ll sing the theme tune? I’d pay to see that!

2. The Batman V Superman Effect

Batman V Superman

I’m in the Batman V Superman was bad camp. It had its good moments, but then it was dull and humourless and had Jesse Eisenberg as the worst Lex Luthor ever. Seriously he was horrible. Even worse than Kevin Spacey in Superman Returns.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Batman V Superman didn’t need to be piss-your-pants hilarious but it wouldn’t have hurt to have the occasional lighter moment. When reviews hit about how it should have been called the very Dark Knight, the team behind Suicide Squad were said to go into panic mode, re shooting scenes and adding some humour. My concern is that these additional scenes will feel forced. It also worries me that a film that features The Joker and Harley Quinn didn’t have sufficient humour in it already. Heath Ledger was equal parts scary and hilarious in The Dark Knight, but it didn’t take anything away from the tone of the film.

Come on DC, why so serious?

1. It ain’t Guardians of the Galaxy

Suicide Squad GOTG

Following the massive success of Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy it was inevitable that DC would try and capitalise on the team up theme sooner or later, but Suicide Squad is not and never will be Guardians of the Galaxy.

These guys are not wise cracking rogues like Rocket Raccoon and Star-Lord. The Suicide Squad members are for the most part cold hearted killers. Are we supposed to identify with them? Are we doing the whole “it’s cool to cheer for the bad guy” thing? Are we going to end up with some sappy redemption story where they realise the error of their ways? The franchise deserves better than this.

I hope I’m wrong.

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