Twelve weeks ago, my beautiful other half and I became parents for the first time. It was a moment that was both exhilarating and terrifying in equal measure as we welcomed our daughter into this crazy, crazy world. Like many new parents before us, we were completely unprepared for much of what has come from that day, so it’s lucky that we’ve had such supportive family members close to hand to reassure us that there really should be that much poop, that much screaming and that sometimes it’s OK to think about sneaking out at night and sailing away to a desert island.

When those same family members weren’t available though, we had no choice but to turn to our mobile phones for solace, and the many wonders of Google. At first, the self-help guides were a welcome paragon of knowledge in this uncharted territory. But eventually, when reading the same old shit time and time again just doesn’t cut it anymore, we started to look deeper into the depths of the internet for help – and that is where I discovered The Sims and its many hilarious glitches.

So join me, fellow parents or parents-to-be, as I open your eyes to a whole world of flawless parenting tips you never knew you needed. Prepare to have your minds blown.

TIP #1: QUESTION EVERYTHING

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM?

TIP #2: FEEDING TIME IS EASY

UNLESS YOUR CHILD IS A DEMON

TIP #3: EAT WHEN BABY EATS

BUT DON’T EAT BABY

TIP #4: BATH TIME CAN BE FUN

AS LONG AS THE BATH ISN’T A DISHWASHER

TIP #5: GET THEM USED TO WATER

AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, INTRODUCE THEM TO THE PET FISH

TIP #6: IT’S OK TO HAVE FAVOURITES

ESPECIALLY WHEN ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN IS THE ATARI E.T.

TIP #7: SOME BABY’S CRY

BUT SOME ARE JUST GOTHS

TIP #8: ROAD SAFETY

THE SAFEST WAY TO CROSS A ROAD IS TO LAUNCH THEM FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER.

TIP #9: ALWAYS MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF

EVEN IF YOUR BABY IS AN ATTENTION SEEKER

TIP #10: PARENTING IS A LIFETIME COMMITMENT

BUT AT LEAST YOU’LL DIE … EVENTUALLY

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