If I dare be personal for a moment, myself and my fiance are expecting our first child – a girl – in November. We are both very excited to become parents, and realise how lucky we are. However, the one thing my future wife does not realise, is that I was raised on a cold hard diet of horror movies, and as such I am more than aware of the horrors that await me as a future parent.
So, take this as a warning, or a guide for anyone in my position. Smelly nappies, or sleepless nights are the least of your worries when you have kids. Not convinced? Here’s my 9 Films to Scare The Hell Out Of Any Future Parent.
9. The Sixth Sense (1999)
Cole Sear seems like an average kid. Sure he’s a bit weird, and once lived his life as a tiny tea cup with a chip in it, but behind that innocent – and fugly – face there’s a tortured soul who can both see and communicate with the dead.
Cole isn’t the creepiest kid in movie-land, but it’s what he represents that scares me. I’ll be forever wondering what – or worse, who – my daughter is looking at as she stares off into the distance on photographs.
8. The Omen (1976)
Because simply put, some kids are the Devil.
7. Children of the Corn (1984)
Some kids want to kill all the adults/parents. I’m an adult, and as such this scares me.
Also, perhaps even scarier than that, what if my child grows up to have the same haircut as ringleader Isaac Chroner?
6. Child’s Play (1988)
OK, so it isn’t the kids in this movie that cause me some concern. It’s the idea that my kid’s toys may be possessed by the soul of a serial murderer that fill me with dread.
My fiance doesn’t quite understand my obsession with having all toys blessed by the Church. She’ll thank me later.
5. It’s Alive (1974)
Frank and Lenore Davis’ new born child seems ordinary enough, but when he gets scared he turns into a monster, with claws and fangs. He even kills the doctors and nurses in the hospital and flees through a skylight – despite just being born!
Although I admit that’s pretty good skill for a new-born, it’s still enough to put any one off becoming parents.
4. Bad Milo! (2013)
It’s my understanding that while women are giving birth, they quite often poop on the table. I’ve seen Bad Milo, and I just don’t think I could love a poop monster.
3. Carrie (1976)
Thanks to this Stephen King, I not only have to worry about my daughter as a baby and child, I also must worry about her when she gets older. In Carrie, the titular character discovers she has supernatural powers in her mid to late teens, and her High School prom is literally turned into a bloodbath.
So that’s my daughter not leaving the house until she’s 21!
2. The Orphan (2009)
Adoption is a fantastic way to give a child a second chance at having a family. Adopting an adult Russian female, who is posing as a 9-year-old child is just plain foolish.
I’m fairly certain no adults will be posing as my daughter when she finally arrives, but I’ll be insisting on running her prints and DNA through the crime lab before we bring her home.
1. IT (1990)
OK. Some of my fears don’t come from the idea of horror children, but of the creatures that seemingly always want a small person for their afternoon snack. The worst offender has to be Pennywise the Dancing Clown, in Stephen King’s IT.
Now, I’m all man, and I’ll defend my family against any and all comers. But if I have to be fighting mythical monsters every five bloody minutes … well, nobody’s got time for that!